So what would you do if the large hadron collider created a black hole that was about to suck the earth in? Most people would probably loot, but where to loot first, it’s enough to give you fits? Well, this list will attempt to address this pressing issue and take the hassle out of choosing your next looting location. Without further ado, the top 10 places you should loot in the event of a large hadron collider induced quantum singularity.
10. Adult Video Store
This is probably the only day on earth where you won’t feel like a complete pervert for going in here and even if you do, who cares right? Noone will be paying any attention to you, they’ll be busy doing some looting of their own, so you can relax and watch your DVDs in peace. And who are all these people to judge you anyway, they’ll be sucked down the same black hole as you and after that happens, I’d like to see someone try and separate their self-righteous molecules from yours.
9. Local Ferrari Dealership
Let’s face it, this is your only chance to own one these babies, even if it is a looted one. I know it’s a bit boring to just drive a car around as your particles get torn asunder, but at least as you’re compressed into a tiny ball of goo by the monumental forces involved you’ll know that you looked damn cool when it was happening and were going really fast too.
8. Local Chocolate Store
All these years of going to the gym working those pecs and lats or sweating your ass off on the treadmill, denying yourself that little bit of cake or that nice choc-chip cookie with your tea, well they ain’t worth squat now. World is gonna end, like really soon and all, so this is your chance to go crazy and satisfy your cravings once and for all. Don’t worry people are gonna care even less about this than they did about you perving at the adult movies. Infact there will probably be a bunch of pigs just like you at the store gorging themselves to death on chocolate truffles and moose.
7. Local Gun Store/Rifle Range/Shooting Gallery
Ever wanted to feel important and powerful, but were stuck in some country where guns were hard to come by or maybe there was a conviction or three preventing you from becoming a proud owner of a Smith & Wesson limited edition. Well, no more of that, now you can loot your way to feeling like you’re king of the world. Of course there is a bit of irony in that your little guns pale into nothingness along side the titanic forces ripping the planet apart, but if you go into fits of orgasmic pleasure from the feel of a lady bullet in your hand, that irony will probably be lost on you.
6. Your Neighbours’ House
Cause you’re sick of that upstart, yuppie no-good stock broker with his perfect little wife and perfect little kids and perfect little car and perfect little house. Well, the end of the world is nigh and it is payback time. Just go in there with a chainsaw or cordless drill or some other power tool and go nuts. Don’t forget to cuddle that 68 inch LCD TV, that you’ve been coveting for years, before you chop it into so much compost. The downside is you probably won’t actually get anything nice for you to keep out of this. The upside is that your dump of a place will be the prettiest house on the block for the short moments before the whole planets gets mulched up into cosmic drool.
You’ve probably been wondering for a while if hell really exists and what it is really like, surely it can’t be all that bad? But, in our society if instant of instant internet gratification, who wants to wait until you die of natural causes to find out? Well, since your body is about to be put through a fine, microscopic black hole mesh anyway, you might as well go and loot a church to ensure your place in hell is not taken by some wannabe drunk driver. Loot a synagogue and a mosque just in case, you’ll have most of your bases covered if you stick to the places of worship of major religions. This way when Earth becomes nothing more than a skid mark on the universes’ dirty underpants, you’ll be living it up, taking a relaxing plunge into a lake of sulfur with all your best guys and gals.
4. Local Pet Store
This one is purely to protect yourself from cosmic irony, the universe has a sense of humour don’t you know, so you must perform a pre-emptive strike on it with some strategic looting. You go to the pet store to find out which animal is local pet store ultimate fighting champ, last chimp/dog/snake standing is the winner. This way when you get sucked into the black hole and the universe plays its usual tricks on you by transporting you into a parallel universe while at the same time fusing you with the nearest animal available on hand. You’ve made sure that your fusion buddy will be a mean canine with giant cojones and an attitude, rather than some random looser parakeet with a lazy eye and chronic diarrhoea.
3. Your Local Bank Branch
Cause you’ve been toying with the idea of doing it regardless of black hole phenomena. Go in there and burn/steal all their records and release a virus into their computers if you’re that way inclined. This is insurance just in case by some miracle the world survives its brush with quantum physics. If it does you might be labelled a fat, gun-loving, animal-abusing, anti-religious, pervert, car thief, but at least you won’t have a mortgage any more. And you may have helped out a few more people along the way as a side benefit. This hopefully, will make up somewhat for smearing the altar in the house of god with animal faeces. Let’s face it after the looting spree you’ve been on, you’ll be needing all the brownie points you can get.
2. Local Drug Dealers House
You’ve probably smoked a little joint or two, while hiding behind some shed somewhere, made you feel real cool didn’t it? Just imagine how hip you’ll feel after ingesting a lethal cocktail blend of all the illicit substances you’re likely to find here. Smoke it, snort it, inject it, swallow it, hell absorb it rectally who’s gonna judge you? You have like minutes left to live for goodness sakes. In the seconds left to you, you’ll also be able to place a bet on what will kill you first, drugs or black hole. And if you thought seeing a black whole up close would be trippy, just imagine the trippiness overload you’ll get from watching it up close while stuffed with more narcotics than Amy Winehouses’ medicine cabinet. Of course the sheer irony of being able to possibly see through time both literally and figuratively can not be understated either.
1. Local Nuclear Power Station, Then The Local Zoo
This is more of a series of loots you’ll be engaging in. But it is forgivable since you’re working on the last ditch effort to save the world. So first thing first, get your hands on some fissionable materials, don’t worry about protective gear, if you haven’t figured the lethality of the whole black hole situation out by now, then cleansing through quantum event is probably the best thing for you and the rest of the world.
So, fissionable material in hand, head straight for the arachnid sanctuary at the zoo (c’mon you know where this is heading, right?). You greatest chance of success lies there, since “documentary” evidence would suggest a decent chance of spidey powers being equal to the task of taking on a rapidly expanding black hole.
However this may not work, so once all the spiders are dead, your best bet is to move out from there to the rest of the zoo in a spiral search pattern irradiating every animal in your path. Who knows koalas may have a destiny greater than we all could have imagined and have been put on this earth for the express purpose of fusing their hereto unknown powers to yours. For such a fusion would surely form a creature most fearsome in mien and temperament, no black hole would stand a chance!
If you’re gonna try this one, I suggest you avoid doing the other ones first, since they might decrease your chances of succeeding with this one (you know the drugs and all). Plus if you do succeed you don’t want to explain to little Susie why Mr. Bunnykins had his head ripped off and used as a napkin by the pit-bull you’re carrying around in your backpack.